YOU vs THEM

i am a bad student, a bad friend and a bad girlfriend.

i just don't know how to do this anymore - i mean, i have neglected my job all in the name of friendship, i have neglected my job all in the name of love and i have neglected my job all in the name of thesis. but still everything i did was not enough.

i'm just a little tired of having to choose every time on which is more important. can't i just pick everybody and be happy about it? okay, let me get this straight, YOU are just as important as THEM. THEY are just as important as YOU. choosing them means losing you - choosing you means losing them. can't i just have a win-win situation? can't i just have YOU and THEM all together? 

i guess you just don't understand what situation i am going through - yes, I LOVE MY FRIENDS. i love them just like i love french fries. yes, I LOVE MY BOYFRIEND. i love him just like i love chicken. i can have both but sometimes i tend to eat the chicken first but that doesn't mean i won't eat the fries. i can also the fries and then the chicken - either way, i have them for my own consumption. i can't give up either one because they are both the things i love. just like this one right now, i can't give YOU up the same way i can't give THEM up because either way, YOU GUYS are all mine.

but for now, i guess i just chose him, NOT BECAUSE he matters more than them - it's just that there are some things that i also have to consider regarding the relationship. YOU CAN GO WITHOUT ME...but i can't go without him.

i need not say anything about what i have been through just to make my choice valid. 

all i'm asking is that, PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME CHOOSE - it's like having to decide whether water is more important than air.

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friends "one more time"

i am taking a break from my highly academic doings and taking a step back at what reality is as of the moment.

well, i can say that i had my shortcomings these past few days - i have different priorities now, as you can see: i am extremely busy at work (extremely busy is i suppose an understatement), i have my thesis to attend to, i have a boyfriend that i need to take care of and i have somebody else who's been acting as a burden on my back these past few days. so basing from what you read above, i don't have time for myself and with myself, it means that i can't even do things that i used to do when i am still free and without attachments or commitments. but i am not complaining, i am really not - because i have chosen to do these things.

now, i am totally aware that i don't have time for my friends anymore and it really saddens me, because first of all  they are the ones who have helped me in so many ways, i can't even point out where to start. my friends are the ones who took care of me in those times where nobody even bothered to ask how i am doing. my friends are the ones who molded me as who i am today.

but i guess, i'm trying my very best to keep up right?  i go out with you to the point of even being absent to work and i also stay up as long as i could to help in fixing some issues within the circle - unlike before when i am TOTALLY INVISIBLE.

i miss you guys, i do. it's just that now, i also have other things to do and i may not be with you most of the time - my thoughts are still with you. i may not be physically there, but i care about you guys MORE THAN YOU CAN THINK OF.

ofcourse, things will never be the same as before because we can't do this until the end - i mean, WE ARE GROWING OLD. i may have realized this sooner that you guys but i still believe that being friends doesn't always mean that you have to see each other everyday, or even communicate with each other. i know that being friends is something when you are most present in times of need and takes care of the friendship inside the heart.

when we believe in our hearts that we are friends, we really are friends and nobody can break that bond. i'm pretty sure that when the time comes that you also have different priorities, you will understand what mess i am going through.

i am still here.

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