i tried checking my multiply site after a very long time of not logging-in. for the char lang dapat. so i tried to check my blogs - - - you know, those amateur and poser types (char, murag hawd). anyway, i stumbled on this famous story from tristan cafe which maan had suggested. wala lang. ayos xa, it brings back childish memories - you know, first few years in college - where everything is just smooth and gentle and innocent. it made me smile.
Hindi ako mahilig sa jelly beans. Pero nung dumating yung jelly beans galing sa sister ng roommate ko, naintriga ako. Isang malaking garapon ng jelly beans na siguro ay mga 1000 ang laman at may 49 flavors. Hinanap ko agad yung chocolate pudding na flavor na nakalagay sa listahan. Lahat ng kulay brown, kinuha ko. Pero hindi chocolate ang lasa ng mga jelly beans na kinain ko. May coffee, may plum, may licorice, may rootbeer, ngunit walang chocolate. Sa kakahanap ng chocolate flavor, hindi ko napapansin ang ibang 48 flavors na nasa garapon. At na-realize ko, ikaw ang the elusive chocolate pudding flavor na jelly bean sa buhay ko.
Na-obsessed ako sa lahat ng kulay brown na jelly beans. Iyong roommate ko, na-explore na yung ibang flavor. May bubble gum flavor, may piC1a colada, may peanut butter, may sizzling cinnamon, may caramel popcorn. Lahat yun, nasarapan sya. Ako, hindi ko pinapansin ang ibang jelly beans. Naka-tuon ang pansin ko sa brown jelly beans.
Parang ikaw. Sa kakahabol sa iyo, hindi ko na napansin ang ibang lalake sa paligid ko. Masyado akong naka-focus sa yo, kaya napapalampas ko na ang mga matitinong lalake na nagbibigay interes sa akin. Parang yung ibang flavors ng jelly beans na hindi ko natikman dahil ang gusto ko talaga eh yung chocolate pudding.
Iyong roommate ko, natikman na nya ang chocolate pudding na jelly bean. Ang swerte naman niya, natikman nya agad ang flavor na gusto ko. Hindi niya hinahangad, yun pa ang napunta sa kanya. Sabi niya, hindi naman daw masarap ung chocolate pudding na jelly bean. Ordinaryo lang ang lasa. Hindi tulad nung mga favorite nyang flavor. Pinatikim nya sa akin yung toasted marshmallow saka ung strawberry cheesecake, masarap naman pero, yung chocolate pudding talaga gusto ko eh. Ganon yata talaga yun. Mas gusto natin yung hindi natin nakukuha.
Nung finally natikman ko ang chocolate pudding na jelly bean, napasigaw ako. At last, nakuha ko rin ang gusto ko. Pero, nung ninamnam ko ang lasa, hindi nga sya masarap. Hindi sya ganun ka fabulous. Parang ordinaryong chocolate lang na pinalambot. Pero ang saya nung feeling na finally, nakuha ko rin yun. Matapos akong mapurga sa licorice at root beer flavors.
Hindi ko pa natitikman ang lahat ng 49 flavors na jelly beans sa garapon. Nangangalahati na ang laman pero chocolate pa rin ang hinahanap ko kapag binubuksan ko ang takip. Fixated pa rin ako sa mga kulay brown na beans, kahit na mas appealing ang pink, violet at blue. Madalas, ibang flavor na nakukuha ko pero kapag sinuswerte, nahahagilap ko rin ang chocolate pudding.
Oo, hindi worth the aggravation ang paghahanap sa chocolate pudding. Hindi worth ang paghahabol ko sa yo. Ordinaryo ka lang naman. Marami pang hihigit sa yo. May mga blueberry o cotton candy o strawberry daiquiri flavors na lalake sa paligid ko pero hindi ko pinapansin. Pero bakit kapag kakain ako ng jelly beans, chocolate pudding pa rin ang hinahanap ko? Bakit kahit na marami naman lalake dyan, ikaw pa rin ang gusto ko?
Hay, siguro dahil sa nakasanayan ko na.
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ISA PANG KWENTONG JELLY BEANS
Lahat tayo, may chocolate pudding flavor na jelly bean sa buhay. Iyong isang bagay na pinapangarap nating maabot ngunit sa iba't ibang kadahilanan ay sadyang mailap sa atin. Pero dahil sa ito ang inaasam natin, ginagawa natin ang lahat para makuha ito. May mga sinusuwerte, may iba naman na sumusuko na dahil sa hindi nila ito makuha. At may mga iilan na nagpupumilit pa rin, at umaasang isang araw ay makukuha din nila ito.
Kung si Carl ang the elusive chocolate pudding jelly bean sa buhay ko, si AJ naman ang blueberry flavor: masarap, matamis, pero dahil laging nandiyan, hindi ko na-appreciate.
I have known AJ for 13 years. My earliest memory of him was at the library, when he was trying to start a conversation. May pinakita siyang sports magazine kung saan nasa cover ang paborito kong si Jojo Lastimosa and that was how everything started.
Naging groupmates kami sa Music class and we'd spend Saturdays together, practicing for our group presentations. At dahil sa lagi kaming magkasama, naging close kami sa isa't isa
I remember showing him my poem collections, and there was one that he particularly liked. He was reading it aloud, and I was looking at him. He looked up, met my gaze, smiled and said, "Ayaw ug tutok sa ako, Nords, basi ma-in love ko sa imo, ligawan ta ka." I blushed, kahit na hindi ako maputi.
Our literature class was watching Roxanne in the dark Audio-Visual Room one afternoon. He was beside me. He held my hand. I didn't flinch.
It was the end of our junior years, and I was asking my classmates to sign my chemistry book. He scribbled, "Nords, I love you..." I laughed. He looked at me. I stopped laughing and got his book. "I love you, too" I wrote. He beamed.
We were always together the beginning of our senior year. We took recess, spent lunchtime with each other and talked every chance we got. After CAT, he would wait for me, carry my bag and we'd head together to the classroom where he'd ask me to give him a massage.
"Mura na mu ug mag-uyab (para kayong mag-syota)," a classmate commented once. AJ put his arm around me and said, "Actually, kami na."
But we were not an item. I was madly in love with Carl who was
apathetic to me while AJ seemed to be falling for every beautiful girl in campus. Kilala ko lahat ng crush niya. I was even his "bridge" to a couple of them. But his attempts to win them failed at isang malaking misteryo sa akin iyun. He was smart, and good-looking, and funny, and sensitive. These girls didn't know what they were missing.
In the early months of our friendship, kinukunsinti ako ni AJ sa kahibangan ko kay Carl. He'd tell me whenever Carl was outside our classroom, or he'd inform me about Carl's hereabouts. Sinasamahan pa niya ako minsan sa pang-i-stalk ko Pero si Carl ang dahilan kung bakit kami nag-away.
I remember that afternoon when I was crying because I learned that Carl had a new girlfriend. AJ asked me why I was wasting my time crying over someone unworthy when I should be spending it with someone who loved me. Tinawag niya akong tanga and I stormed out of the room and didn't talk to him for weeks.
During our retreat, our facilitator told us to ask forgiveness from people we hurt. I didn't know who made the move but I just saw myself face to face with him in the middle of the room. We looked at each other for a long time and then I started to cry. He pulled me to him and hugged me.
Hindi ko alam kung gaano katagal kaming magkayakap pero noong gabi ng retreat, habang nakasandal ako sa dibdib niya at umiiyak, I realized that I was falling in love with him.
And then he broke my heart.
We were inside the empty music room, waiting for the other group members. I was listening to him play "Everything I do, I do it for you" on the keyboard. And then he stopped playing and started talking about his seatmate who was so nice to him.
He said he was starting to like her. He asked, "Okay lang ba na manligaw ko sa iya, Nords?"
Hindi ako nakasagot agad dahil ang totoo, gusto kong maiyak. Ilang beses na nagkuwento si AJ tungkol sa mga babaeng gusto niya pero noong araw na iyon, sobrang nasaktan ako sa narinig ko. Pero hindi ako nagpahalata. Ngumiti ako at sinabing, "If
it's going to make you happy, then do it!" And for the first time, I secretly wished na sana ma-basted siya.
We drifted apart after that incident. Laging silang magkasama noong girl na may gusto din sa kanya habang bumalik ako sa paghahabol kay Carl. We didn't see each other after our high school graduation because I studied in Manila. But when I went to Davao for a brief vacation after college, he came to see me even if it was already late at night and he arrived riding his bicycles, wearing pambahay t-shirt and shorts.
Late 90s na iyun and I was working in my first job when I got an email from him, informing he would be in Manila for two weeks. He had plans of working abroad and he was completing his requirements in Manila. We went out thrice and I introduced him to my friends.
It was in November 2001 when I received a text message from him. "I'm leaving for US tomorrow," the message said. I answered, "Ay, di na kita makikita uli?" His reply was a cheesy line from Aiza Seguera's songs: Pagdating ng panahon, baka ikaw rin at ako.
He worked in US for two years but emails, messenger and text messages kept us together. We were chatting everyday, talking about anything and everything. We'd talk about our respective relationships, works and family. Sometimes, we would engage in a repartee of flirting and sexual innuendoes.
Once, I asked him why he didn't come to see me before he left the country and he kidded something might happen to us and he wouldn't be able to go to the US.
People close to us predicted that eventually, AJ and I would end up together pero hindi ko pinapansin ang sinasabi nila. Oo, AJ and I had a "moment" in high school but that was it. a moment. And high school was more than a decade ago.
Minsan, we were chatting in Yahoo messenger and I was telling him about our high school reunion. Nagkuwento ako tungkol sa pagkikita namin ni Carl at kung paano ako kinilig nung hinalikan niya ako. His reply was:" Si Carl pa rin? Nords, forget him. You don't deserve him."
You're right. I deserved you in high school. I deserve you now. Kung sana hindi ako nagpakatanga kay Carl, kung sana na-appreciate ko lahat ng ginawa mo, baka kasal na tayo ngayon. Baka may dalawa na tayong anak. Baka kasama mo na ako diyan sa US.
Pagdating kay AJ, I will be living my life with maybe and what could have been. Hindi na mangyayari ang mga "baka" na iyun. He got married early this year.
Siya iyong blueberry flavor na jelly bean. Masarap, oo. pero dumating siya ng mga panahong obsessed ako sa chocolate pudding. Kaya kahit na masarap siya, at nasiyahan ako, hindi ko pinansin. Feeling ko kasi nandiyan lang siya sa garapon. Hindi ko akalain na mauubos din pala siya. At nang ma-realize ko na
gusto ko na ng blueberry sa halip na chocolate pudding, ubos na ang blueberry. Nakuha na ng iba.
Siya ang blueberry flavor na jelly bean. Ang "the one who got away."
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